I’ve said many times before that the topics I explore and teach about are topics I need to integrate the most myself. When I share them in writing or during meditations or other recordings, I do so as a reflection of the shared human experience.
If I struggle with a need to be productive, I feel it is a safe assumption that others struggle with this same need. If I find it necessary to let go of a ruminative thought because it isn’t serving me, it seems rather likely that other people also feel plagued by certain thoughts in the same way.
And when I realize, for the umpteenth time, that I need to stop being so hard on myself, I suspect this might be a tendency that is more universal than I could probably imagine.
So, for my own sake, and theoretically for the benefit of anyone who struggles with a similar inclination, I thought I’d take a few moments to explore my intention to give myself more grace in the year ahead.
Before we get into the how of this undertaking, here are a few thoughts on why it is worthwhile for me to give myself grace. From a rational and logical standpoint, it is inefficient to perpetuate the mental habit of internally beating myself up. It has taken me a while, but I’ve come to the realization that self-flagellation is a wasteful use of my precious mental energy.
The expenditure is minor at first. There is a reflexive quality to this habit, and therefore it doesn’t take much initial effort. The lighting of the spark of self-criticism is a momentary flash, and then the flames of my internal dialogue quickly grow, greedily consuming everything in their path. From time to time I even add more fuel to the fire by beating myself up for the fact that I’m beating myself up. It is an ouroboros of self-immolation.
Once the flames are finally exhausted, I find that I, too, feel exhausted and left with nothing but the daunting task of re-building my emotional energy. It would be tempting to give up before I even start, and sometimes I do feel paralyzed by the black, smoking heaps the flames have left in their wake. But eventually, I trudge to the closet, find a broom, and slowly start sweeping up the ashes and putting everything back together again.
For those who have been led to believe that beating yourself up is a way to keep yourself in line or hold yourself accountable, I would offer that there must be less destructive and wasteful ways to achieve the same goal.
This tendency to be hard on myself is something I’ve been working on for a while, so I think it is important be very realistic about how I might extend more kindness and compassion to myself. I have no illusions that my reflexive response to making mistakes and disappointing myself will ever entirely disappear.
What I do think is possible, however, is that I can take two actions once the spark of self-criticism is lit: notice what has happened, and then interrupt the internal escalation by offering grace to myself.
We all know that the best time to put out a fire is right away, before it gets out of control. My meditation practice has allowed me to be much more in-tune with my thoughts and emotions, and this increased self-awareness allows me to notice when the spark has been ignited. This noticing is the key. It is the capacity to be able to witness what is going on in my mind and then choose whether it is beneficial for it to continue. Once I’ve determined that the direction of my thoughts and emotions is not productive, something needs to be done.
This is where grace comes in.
I haven’t quite figured out exactly what I’m going to say to myself in my head (or out loud, if circumstances are right) to make this shift. But I know it will include the word grace.
It might be something like, “I am going to give myself the grace to remember everybody makes mistakes.”
I also tend to push myself too hard. I could definitely use a statement like, “I am going to give myself the grace to not put so much pressure on myself to be/do/have ‘X’.”
It’s going to be an ongoing process.
As an aside, I’m not even sure why I’m using the term grace. You would think words like self-compassion, kindness, or self-love would be something I would choose. But the term grace has been presenting itself to me more and more lately, and because it is a newer word for me, it has a specialness that feels more resonant. As such, I think it will have more power to wake me up when I need it.
I began by touching on the universal human experience and assuming that most of us have a tendency to be too hard on ourselves. If we can lessen this habit of mind, or at the very least begin by noticing when it occurs, we can spare ourselves a great deal of unnecessary suffering and wasted mental and emotional energy.
I would also add, that if we reflect on the more far-reaching benefits of offering ourselves grace, kindness, compassion, and love, we would realize that it is of even greater benefit to the people in our lives.
How many times has a partner or other loved one been forced to witness you spin-out (again!) about a mistake you made or a way you’ve disappointed yourself?
How many times has a student or your own child been shown by your example that being overly hard on yourself is the only way to grow or evolve?
How many times has a friend had to put in the effort to give you the same pep talk, trying to convince you of your goodness, worthiness, or value?
Being less self-critical goes beyond sparing ourselves unnecessary pain, although I would argue that doing so for that reason alone is, in and of itself, worthwhile. Noticing self-judgement and self-criticism and then offering ourselves the kind words we need to hear to interrupt this mental habit is of benefit to others.
Offering gentleness to yourself allows you to channel your energy more effectively. Being kind to yourself creates a self-perpetuating habit of kindness that affects others. Giving yourself grace allows you to model what self-compassion looks like, so others may follow your example.
If you identify in any way with my intention of extending grace to myself this year, I invite you to join me in this endeavor. One thing that I need to remember, and would offer to you as well, is to keep in mind that habits of mind can be difficult to interrupt. Be gentle with yourself in this undertaking of being gentle with yourself. If nothing else, it will be an extra opportunity to call on grace.
